Accepting mum’s fate

People often say to me so what’s next?

Well to put it bluntly there is no next, there is simply surviving.

This can be said for not only my mum but for me too.

I think the subject of finality always makes people uncomfortable, nobody wants to talk about the end – especially when the person is still alive.

I don’t have any answers and neither do the doctors, it is just the way it is and it’s the way it always will be.

But that doesn’t mean I’ve completely banished all hope.

There is going to come a point where my mum won’t want to carry on with chemotherapy anymore…or there might not be?

She might say ‘fuck you cancer’ right to the very end. It’s up to her and no one else.

I can’t change what is happening and neither can mum. So if I can’t change mum’s future then why let her present be miserable?

As mum battles on I’m starting to try and not take conversations about finality so negatively.

Reaction is key in these situations and if your loved one is comfortable discussing this with you then that’s a good thing.

This was the case on a crisp Saturday afternoon.

Chips and a sea view with mum meant she was surrounded by happiness, love and familiarity.

Nothing could be heard but the wind and the rustle of our chip paper but mum suddenly pointed and said “I want to be scattered on little eye” (the island next to Hilbre Island in West Kirby).

She was so matter of fact that I didn’t have time to react.

When you’re in such a beautiful place it’s easy to forget the reality that is in front of you.

So, I joked about how the conversation had abruptly took on a morbid turn, we laughed and she said “well it’s so my ashes can blow back in your face like my dad’s did with us three girls.”

Her sense of humour made it easier and the experience changed into joyful one.

It made me feel comfortable with mum’s wishes, and it suddenly dawned on me that she had accepted what is and would be.

There was a moment of calmness as we looked out towards the sea.

It was then I knew mum was going to be okay. She was here with me, enjoying the moment.

When she is no longer here in the present it is then I’ll look to the sea.

One thought on “Accepting mum’s fate

  1. My mother and I were very close. She was dying of lung cancer- the health aid person helping out didn’t want us talking about life without her. I remember my mom & I saying- we laugh together & cry together- I was able to talk with my mom about what I will miss- a song I will here that is her song – my mother said- this is the way it’s supposed to be. The order of life and death. (My sister had passed away at 18 of cancer). Being able to talk about anything with my mother- including crying about her not being here- was a continuation of our beautiful relationship. When someone is dying, it’s ok to talk about it. As my mother said- we laugh and we cry together. And we still did just that. I wish you and your mom peace and love.

    Liked by 1 person

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